life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
