It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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