This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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