I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
