We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
