after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
