would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
