im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
