If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
