I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
