dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
