i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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