I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
