I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
