I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
