I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
