he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
