woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
