sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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