I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
