Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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