every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
