she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just pee around me
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
