I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
