i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
