i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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