my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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