i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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