whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
