I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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