The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
