there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
bring money and cleavage
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
