so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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