I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
