oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Randomize
