I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
