Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
