she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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