I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
