Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize