I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
