chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
