i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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