I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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