Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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