i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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