Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
