I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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