I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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