Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
