just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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