he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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