hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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