As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
