i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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