plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize