i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
