i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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