her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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