I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
