So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize